Lucas Gives In
by Dendraica
Summary: all the Anti-Jars have finally driven good old Lucas bonkers . . .


Okay, this is something I never thought I'd do. A comedy just for the heck of it. One quick note: think of Jar Jar having a voice sounding very much like Dom Deluise. Sorta like Jeremy, that crow in Secret of Nimh. (If you ask me, I think they should have given Jar Jar that kinda voice all along.) Well, here it is! Please don't flame!

  
  
All characters belong to Lucas except for the Anti-Jars who belong to nobody, and Leo Dicaprio who belongs to god-knows-what and Og Bog Togs who belongs to me.   
  
  


***

(Scene opens with Lucas seated at desk, rubbing his temples. Outside a group of Anti-Jars are yelling "Down with Binks! Down with Binks!")  
  
LUCAS: That's it! I can't take it anymore!!!   
  
(He picks up the telephone, places a few calls, then the scene blacks out)  
  
(Next Scene opens with Jar Jar curled up in his hammock, sleeping peacefully. R2D2 wheels up to him and beeps in his ear.)  
  
JAR JAR: (sits bold upright) Yeow! No, I didn't break the --- oh. It's you. Jeez, you nearly gave me a heart attack.  
  
(R2D2 whistles something that means 'too bad'. Of course he's just joking)  
  
JAR JAR: Meanie. (Gets up and stretches) Well what do you want?  
  
(R2D2 tells him and Jar Jar nearly falls over. )  
  
JAR JAR: WHAT??!! No . . . he couldn't . . . he wouldn't!!!  
  
R2D2: ((He did))  
  
JAR JAR: Great. So what's he's replacing me with? Oh, I can't believe this, I mean was it that coffee I spilled on his briefcase? Oh geez!!! (Jar Jar pulls on his vest and washes his face in the basin.)  
  
R2D2: ((Calm down, I'm sure we can talk him out of it. It must be the bad reviews you got))  
  
JAR JAR: (sits down miserably.) No, it's because of me. I ruined everything. TPM would have been fine without me, but I . . .   
  
R2D2: ((It's Lucas that gave you such an annoyingly cute disposition. I mean, if you were yourself, I'm sure the public would have loved you a lot more. Who could love anyone with a voice that sounded like a helium-addict?))  
  
JAR JAR: Hey! Well . . . I guess you're right . . .  
  
R2D2: ((And that dumbass accent? What were they trying to pass you off for?))  
  
JAR JAR: Yeah! Damn straight!  
  
R2D2: ((You oughta march right in there and demand justice. You didn't do anything wrong! You're the victim here! They made a parody out of your true character!))  
  
JAR JAR: Right. I'll go straight to his office now and tell him -- omygod . . . his office . . . he has an office. I just have a bunker in the garage of Lucas studios. He ain't gonna listen to me.   
  
R2D2: ((Jar Jar, you're his creation! Course he's gonna listen to you!))  
  
JAR JAR: You think?  
  
R2D2: ((I know))  
  
JAR JAR: Okay then.  
  
(Jar Jar walks up the stairs and into the main floor where everyone is walking around getting ready for Episode 2. He cannot help bumping into several people, including ones in a line trying out for the role of Anakin.)  
  
JAR JAR: Excuse me, pardon me.  
  
LEO DICAPRIO: Hey, freakazoid! Careful!  
  
JAR JAR: Huh? *Sorry*, pushy-pants. I'll be going.  
  
LEO DICAPRIO: Hey, *I'm* gonna be the new Anakin so you better talk to me with more respect or I'll make sure you never work in this town again.  
  
JAR JAR: You? The new Anakin? Ha ha ha! That's the funniest thing I heard since the National Enquirer said you were dead! Well actually, that was kinda sad. It really got my hopes up.  
  
LEO: (pouts) Well, I heard you're being kicked off! So there!   
  
JAR JAR: Oh yeah, I better get to his office quick! (runs to the elevator) (scene cuts to Lucas' office)  
  
LUCAS: I'm sorry, but it's true. We're gonna have to find you a replacement. And luckily, we've found one! (Lucas smiles. There's bits of paper and gum stuck in his hair and chewed pencils all over the desk. Lucas looks insane)  
  
JAR JAR: (mutters) Oh, great. Ah, Lucas, what's gonna happen to me?  
  
LUCAS: You see, according to the new script, you've been killed in battle with the droids.  
  
JAR JAR: What?! But I survived that! You've already put that out to the public! You can't rewrite Episode 1 when it's already been in the theaters since May!!  
  
LUCAS: Well, according to the new script, you don't die right away. See, you got a little cut on your finger from a sharp piece of metal that used to be a droid while fighting on the battlefield. You didn't notice it until it had already gotten infected and you got tetanus and died shortly after the parade on Naboo. So technically, you were killed in battle.  
  
JAR JAR: (sits there blinking for a while) That lame-ass death is all you could come up with?!!! Why couldn't have been shot by Sebulba or by a pissed off Jawa or maybe captured and sold into slavery?! Jeez, that's the lamest death I've ever heard of!? Ooh, better yet, why couldn't I kill myself for having such a goddamn high voice or a stupid accent?! *That* would be more understandable, right?!  
  
LUCAS: Whoa, Jar Jar, calm down. We thought you would like a nice quiet death rather than a violent one. You don't want all those Anti-Jars standing up and cheering when you get shot, do you?  
  
JAR JAR: (calms down a little) No. Though I'm beginning to think I should've walked away from day one. Okay, who is it?  
  
LUCAS: (blinks) Who's what?  
  
JAR JAR: The replacement.  
  
LUCAS: Oh, him! (presses a button) Send him in.  
  
(The door suddenly bangs in and an enormous hog-like creature wearing leather pants strides in, taking some of the wall with him. Lucas winces.)  
  
LUCAS: I thought I told you to duck when you walked in, Og Bog.  
  
OG BOG: Sorry. Me bad.   
  
JAR JAR: Eh?! Don't tell me *he's* supposed to replace me!  
  
LUCAS: Yep. Og Bog Togs is a hog-like Trog from the planet Nabog.  
  
JAR JAR: Er, run that by me again?  
  
OG BOG: Froggie man in my chair. Get out.  
  
JAR JAR: (coolly) Don't you want to sit on the floor? It's much more comfortable.  
  
OG BOG: (snorts in pleasure) Really?! Duuuh, okay! (plops down on the floor. The room shakes with a thud. Bits of ceiling plaster sprinkle down on everyone.) Oooh, it's snowing! (tries to catch 'snow' in his mouth)  
  
JAR JAR: (buries his face in his hands) Oh ye gods . . .   
  
LUCAS: (hands him a tissue) I know, I know. I was overcome myself with what a masterpiece he was.  
  
JAR JAR: (looks over at Og Bog who is picking his nose.) Uh . . . okay . . .  
  
LUCAS: Well, satisfied?  
  
JAR JAR: (darkly) No.  
  
LUCAS: Good! Thought you'd see the dilemma. See, Jar Jar, I'm afraid no-one likes you.  
  
JAR JAR: Gee, I wonder why.  
  
LUCAS: They don't want a guy with a high-pitched voice and a weird accent.  
  
JAR JAR: Exactly. What do you think I was trying to --  
  
LUCAS: (interrupting) Henceforth, you have one day to clear out your belongings and hit the road, toad.  
  
JAR JAR: What?!  
  
LUCAS: We don't need you anymore. I mean you don't need to make an appearance if you're already dead, right?  
  
JAR JAR: But --  
  
LUCAS: Bye! Good luck! See ya around! Or not . . .   
  
OG BOG: Froggie man go bye bye!   
  
JAR JAR: But-- (Og Bog shoves him out and cheerily slams the door in his face.) I thought *I* was your masterpiece. (scene fades out)  
  
(Scene opens with Jar Jar walking through the main floor. Leo Dicaprio is next in line.)  
  
LEO DICAPRIO: Hey, freakazoid. You got kicked out on the street, didn't you? I knew it! Ha ha ha ha!!! Sorry, freak, but you gotta be a lot handsomer than me to get a good part around here.  
  
JAR JAR: (clenches his fists and walks up to Leo) I have one thing to say to you. You are a complete classless snob and I ain't gonna let you pull any cr@p around here you got that?  
  
LEO: Whu what? That's weird. I actually understood you. You better go and suck up some more helium and take a pig latin class.  
  
JAR JAR: (punches Leo in the face. Leo flops over holding his nose and yelling in pain) Let me just tell you one thing, punk. The Anakin I knew is nothing compared to you. I don't have much to thank Lucas for, but I thank him for that at least.  
  
LEO: You . . . you . . . broke by node! Dow by'll never get the part!  
  
JAR JAR: I'm sorry, I can't understand you. Maybe you should take an English class. (walks away)  
  
(Scene cuts to outside of Lucas Enterprises. Jar Jar sits despondently on a curb.)  
  
JAR JAR: Damn . . . where am I gonna go now? (So intent on his misery, he doesn't see a group of Anti-jars coming until too late.) Oh cr@p.  
  
ANTI-JAR#1: How bout to an early grave?  
  
JAR JAR: Look you guys, leave me alone, allright? I've had enough bullsh*t for one morning.  
  
ANTI-JAR#2: Holy cow, it talks normally!  
  
ANTI-JAR#3: Yeah . . . that's weird. He ain't that annoying when he talks like anyone else.  
  
JAR JAR: Oh, yeah. *That's* right. Pick on all the different ones. Anyway, I think you guys ought to change your names to Anti-Ogs cause Lucas has replaced me with a realy stupid idiot named Og Bog Togs or whatever.  
  
ANTI-JAR#1: What?!   
  
RANDOM ANTI-JAR: Kill Jar Jar now!  
  
ANTI-JAR#3: Shut up, you idiot, he's got info about Episode 2!  
  
RANDOM ANTI-JAR: Oh, sorry.  
  
JAR JAR: He's my replacement. I'm supposed to die from tetanus infection in my little finger. Before Ep2 even starts.   
  
ANTI-JAR#2: That sucks.  
  
JAR JAR: (lifts head in surprise) I thought you guys would be happy.  
  
ANTI-JAR#2: We were actually hoping your death would be alot more lingering. What's with this Og Bog thing? Is he just as annoying?  
  
JAR JAR: Well, he picks his nose and talks like a Neanderthal. Not annoying as much as stupid. According to Lucas, he's a hog-like Trog from the planet Nabog.  
  
ANTI-JAR#1: (shudders) That's evil. Pure evil.   
  
JAR JAR: Why evil?  
  
ANTI-JAR#1: His character description rhymes.  
  
JAR JAR: (blinks) You guys sure are picky, aren't you?  
  
ANTI-JAR#3: Okay, forget you, now we gotta rally against this Og Bog freak. I hereby christen us Anti-Ogs! Let's get im!  
  
(ANTI-OGS run off to badger Lucas.)  
  
JAR JAR: Jeez, now I've lost everybody. Even my enemies. (buries face in hands.) I can't get much lower than this. (It starts raining. Jar Jar glares at the sky) You just *had* to do that, didn't you?! Well if you're so smart, why don't you just kill me with lightning or something, eh? Make my miserable life completely worthless! (Jar Jar suddenly flickers and gasps as his body slowly becomes transparent) Oh gods, they're erasing me . . . I thought Lucas was gonna let me live, but they're erasing me! Why?! (turns to Lucas' building) YOU CREATED ME, YOU STUPID MORON! MAYBE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE HATED ME, BUT THERE WERE SOME WHO ACTUALLY LOVED ME! BUT YOU AREN'T THINKING ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE ARE YOU? I LET YOU CHANGE MY VOICE AND I WORKED TO GET THAT STUPID ACCENT RIGHT AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? WELL THAT'S JUST FINE YOU #&*%@!! (sits down in the rain) Well, hey, I'm supposed to be amphibian. The rain can't hurt me anyway. I'll just wait till you're done getting rid of me. As if I never existed. That's what your public wants so you might as well do it. No no, mister Lucas, don't try to be different. You just go ahead and conform to the public. You'll be a lot happier that way. (tears begin to slide down Jar Jar's face. Lightning flashes and Jar Jar flinches. Suddenly, the rain stops pelting down and becomes a soft drizzle. Jar Jar notices that he is solid again and no-longer transparent. He looks up at the building and realizes that all the power has gone out, saving him from being erased.) Oh wow . . . someone must be lookin out for me. But who am I kidding? As soon as they get the power back on line, they'll erase me.  
  
(Amidala and Obi-Wan rush out.)   
  
AMIDALA: Jar Jar, what are you doing out there in the rain? Lucas wants to see you.  
  
JAR JAR:(Coldy) Oh, he wants to use me for lightsaber practice for the auditioners. I see.  
  
OBI-WAN: Not anymore. R2D2 meddled with the electricity to stop the erasing process. The storm covered his actions so he won't get in trouble for it.   
  
JAR JAR: What changed his mind?  
  
AMIDALA: Well, first thing, Og Bog was playing football with Lucas, so we ran in to stop that. Lucas got furious and erased Og Bog and then he was gonna erase you too because people were chanting 'Down with Og Bog' outside his window. He wanted to get back at you for giving information about Episode 2. Just then, we told him about how hard you worked to do what Lucas wanted you to and that it wasn't fair he was doing this. That softened him up. Then someone came in and told him about what happened to Leo Dicaprio and he said that he was eternally grateful and wanted to see you right away. So come on quick before he faints from the concussion he got from banging his head against the wall and calling himself an idiot.  
  
OBI-WAN: Yeah. He may give you a good part in Episode 2, especially in the half-dazed state he's in. You should see how grateful he is. It's like you saved his life or something!  
  
JAR JAR: (hopeful) Okay. If you say so. (scene cuts to Lucas' office.)  
  
LUCAS: I can't express how grateful I am for getting rid of that prick Leonardo! Forget about being replaced!  
  
JAR JAR: Cool . . . but um . . . do I still have to do the accent? And the voice? LUCAS: Hmmm . . . it would be a little odd to have you speaking completely normal in such a short time period, but . . . well, maybe I can put it so your dialect has matured because they made you ambassador to Naboo. ( Jar Jar grins. That's a damn good part compared to dying from tetanus) Surely you would have to improve your dialect somewhat if you hung around the Queen. As for your voice . . . yeah, I say bring it down a little more.  
  
JAR JAR: YES! No more helium!  
  
LUCAS: Maybe we can get Dom DeLouise to be your voice-over.  
  
JAR JAR: But I sound like him already!  
  
LUCAS: Yeah, but I gotta spend all the money from TPM on *something*! It'll make me look bad if I don't. ('Down with Og Bog' is getting louder and louder.) (Lucas sticks his head out of the window.) Will you guys shut up already?! Jar Jar's back!  
  
Anti-Ogs: (shouting) Jeez, make up your mind, whacko!!!  
  
Anti-Og#1: Okay, we're back to being Anti-Jars, people. Let's go take down the 'Kill Og Bog' posters. (Exeunt) (Scene fades out)  
  


THE END


End file.
